69 Funny Birthday Wishes & Quotes for Guaranteed Laughs

Last updated: December 15th, 2025 Published on: August 21, 2023

Staring at a blank birthday card and wondering what to write? You’re not alone. Choosing the card is easy, especially if you’ve already found the perfect funny birthday card, but coming up with something genuinely witty to put inside is the real challenge. Instead of defaulting to a plain old “Happy Birthday,” we’ve done the hard work for you.

Our team of greeting-card pros has scoured the internet, dug through our own collections, and sifted through thousands of ideas to bring you 69 of the funniest birthday card messages, wishes, and quotes you can use. From cheeky one-liners to rude, sarcastic, and light-hearted jokes, just pick your favourite and drop it straight into your card.

Go on – claim the credit. We won’t tell!

Classic Funny Birthday Wishes

The go-to for any birthday, we’ve crafted these funny birthday wishes to be great for almost any birthday celebration. Perfect for that friend you only see once a year or that colleague who you don’t have any inside jokes with, just go with one of these classics to get them laughing.

I always limit my budget for buying birthday gifts according to what that person gave me as a gift on my birthday. Enjoy your gift of nothing!
Happy birthday to one of the few people whose birthday I can remember without a reminder from social media.
Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about the present, I didn’t get you one.
May your phone be filled with birthday wishes from people you’ve never met, haven’t seen in years, or genuinely couldn’t care less about.
On your birthday, don’t forget to set goals that are sky high and spend the rest of the year miserably trying to build a rocket to get there.
You’re a really hard individual to shop for… so I didn’t get you anything. Happy birthday!
Happy birthday to the only person I would rescue in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
If you were Jesus, today would be Christmas!
Smart, good looking, and funny. But enough about me. Happy birthday!
It is scientifically proven that people who have more birthdays live longer. Fun fact!
Right, let’s get you so drunk that you end up believing it’s my birthday and buying me drinks all night 😉
Happy birthday! Can you believe we used to think people our age were adults and had their lives in order?
Congratulations on getting slightly older!
Well done – you have still been alive for several years!

These classic funny birthday wishes are universal crowd-pleasers. They’re simple, clever, and perfect for making anyone smile.

Old Age Birthday Jokes

Is your old man celebrating yet another year around the sun? Or maybe that friend who’s just a little older than you needs a reminder that they’ll always be the “old mate” of the group. Here’s a selection of our best old age birthday jokes and messages, perfect for your friends or family who need a gentle but humorous reminder that their best years are behind them!

I regret to inform you that your childhood has EXPIRED.
Birthdays are like spotting Bigfoot. You really do want to see them, but you’re a little afraid of what they’ll look like…
If you look back through all the years you’ve lived, the first thing you’ll notice is that you need a telescope.
At least you’re not as old as you will be next year… if you make it!
If anyone calls you old, hit them with your cane and throw your teeth at them!
You’ve officially reached the age when every compliment we get is usually followed by ‘for your age’. You’re still looking great though… for your age!
As you get older, three things happen. The first thing is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.
We all knew this day was coming. It’s best to just suck it up and accept that it’s no longer acceptable for you to eat a happy meal in public.
Don’t worry about your age… alcohol will make it all better!
I’ve decided to stop making age jokes on your birthday now… you’ve reached the age where it’s genuinely not funny anymore.
Just remember, the more candles on the cake, the bigger the cake you’ll get! Now who’s laughing?
Remember that growing old is mandatory, but growing up is optional
Another year older and you’re one step closer to getting those Velcro shoes!
Remember that age is just a number… just a really, REALLY high one in your case!

These light-hearted old-age birthday jokes hover on the line between cheeky and charming, making them ideal for giving your favourite “old mate” a laugh about getting older.

Rude Birthday Messages

Everyone has that one friend constantly roasts them but you still can’t live without. So, if your insult-loving buddy has a birthday coming up, return the favour with these funny (and just slightly savage) birthday messages.

Happy birthday! Let’s celebrate the first time you cried naked in someone else’s bed…
I hope you have a happy annual celebration of escaping from your mum’s uterus. I wish you never have to return to your dark underwater prison again.
Birthdays are like bogeys. The more you have, the harder it is to breathe!
I hope your birthday is better than walking through a fart with your mouth open.
Since it’s your birthday, I’ll let you leave the lights on.
I hope you celebrate your birthday the way you came into this world, naked and screaming!
Some say that age is just a number. I say that’s bullsh**. I mean, you’re getting really old. Happy birthday anyway.
Happy birthday… congratulations on now being of the age where you can understand the horror of waking yourself up with your own fart!
You might be old, but you’re still a d***.
Older and wiser… but still a bit of a pr***.
I didn’t know where to start on your birthday present, so I thought I’d trawl the internet. After a couple of hours, I found some really good stuff. But then I remembered I was supposed to be finding you a birthday present and it was too late. Sorry!
Have a mucking farvellous birthday!
Some things are better with age. Too bad you aren’t one of them.

These cheeky, roast-worthy birthday messages are perfect for friends who show their love through laughs, insults, and a bit of playful teasing.

Sarcastic Birthday Wishes

If your idea of celebrating someone’s birthday starts with a dramatic eye-roll, you’re in the right place. Whether you’re the king or queen of sarcasm or you just want to keep things delightfully dry, these sarcastic birthday wishes are ready to send their way.

You’re the least famous person I know of who was born on your birthday.
I couldn’t think of a message that would make you laugh for your birthday card… you’re too boring…
I hope your birthday is better than the card I sent you…
Seriously, I don’t know how many more of your birthdays I can handle.
Another year older… and you still can’t grow a beard.
If I made fun of how many years old you are, it would be beyond funny.
Getting someone as awesome as me to send a birthday message to you has undoubtedly been your biggest achievement this year.
Congratulations on being a year older and still maintaining such a low level of maturity; you are truly an inspiration.
Happy birthday! Here is a piece of card to show you how little I care…
What are you so happy about? It’s your birthday and you are going to have to spend a lot of money to keep us happy. At least have fun doing it!
Life was meant to be celebrated more often than just one day a year. Man, you’re missing opportunities the other 364 days!
I decided to keep having birthdays because it beats the alternative… Death.

These sarcastic birthday wishes are perfect for anyone who prefers sharp wit and dry humour over heartfelt sentiment.

Belated Birthday Wishes

Lost track of the days and missed your friend’s birthday? Or maybe you were away on the day and are celebrating with them later? No worries! With these funny belated birthday wishes, they won’t even mind that you missed the big day. Add one to their card and consider yourself officially off the hook.

I know you had lots of birthday wishes yesterday, but who is thinking of you today? Me, that’s who. Happy belated birthday!
I’m sorry my birthday wishes are belated—I honestly didn’t think you’d live this long. Happy birthday!
Sorry I wasn’t there with you to mourn the loss of your youth. Happy birthday!
It’s not your fault, buddy. No one can help the fact that you’re growing old, and that I totally forgot… Happy belated birthday!
You’re amazing, wise, super cool, fantastic, brilliant, intelligent – but don’t get too excited. I’m only saying all these things because I’m a couple of days late! Happy birthday!
It wasn’t my fault… Facebook forgot to remind me about your birthday!
It’s so tough to believe that you are getting older, that I decided to wish you a happy birthday late this year.
Sorry I missed your birthday… hopefully you’ll have another one next year…

These belated birthday wishes turn your forgetfulness into a laugh, making it easy to smooth things over with humour.

Funny Birthday Quotes to Send Them

There’s nothing better than a genuinely funny and creative birthday card to make someone’s special day even more special. As Albert Einstein once said, “Creativity is seeing what others see and thinking what no one else ever thought.” Luckily for you however, we’ve saved you the effort and pulled together some funny and creative quotes for you to use in their card this year.

Two things that are inevitable for any living person are birthdays and taxes.
Birthdays are like cheese. They stink more the older they get.
Ageing is the worst side effect of birthdays.
There’s really only one true birthday. The rest are simply anniversaries of the day of a person’s birth.
Birthdays are like vacations. You don’t have one too often and they come and go too quickly.
The old pessimist focuses on his growing number. The old optimist focuses on his growing blessings.
Getting older is just part of life… and the other parts are even worse.
The older you get, the more disoriented your hair gets. Once it leaves your head, it seems to get lost.

These funny birthday quotes add the perfect mix of humour and creativity to any card, making them an easy way to give their special day an extra boost of charm.

There you go, 69 of our best ideas for funny things to write in your next birthday card. If you’ve found the perfect quote but still haven’t bought their card, don’t worry – we can help with that too! You can explore a huge range of funny birthday cards, including a wide range of brilliant designs that they’re sure to love! Plus, why not pair your card with a unique personalised gift or an especially funny birthday present that’s sure to make them laugh!